Where to go from here

Where to go from here

My husband got into an argument last week. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do to the house to make me happier in it, and want to stay. I said no, which apparently wasn’t the answer he was looking for. I want a bigger lot. Can’t do that. I want bedrooms and full baths on the main floor. He could turn the safe room into a bedroom. No, not nearly big enough. I want a rec room. We could turn the dining room into a rec room. Really?! I’m trying to make it so that people can work on projects and walk away from it. I also don’t want the first thing people see when they come through the door to be his or the kids’ projects. I want a room to go that is safe for tornadoes, etc. A small half bath doesn’t fit us now. Wait until the kids get bigger; we really won’t be able to fit then. He doesn’t care. I told him I was miserable in this house. He told me fine that he would pack up and get an apartment and I can stay here. Why the fuck is he moving out? I DON’T WANT TO BE IN THIS HOUSE. He’s just going to live separately, we don’t make it official. No, if you’re going to move out and abandon me, it’s gonna be official. I want closure; I want to be able to move on. No, it’s not about money. The world isn’t just about money. It’s about being able to meet someone who might want to be with me.

He doesn’t get the fact that he argues with EVERYTHING. He blames me for arguing. I forget that if he asks me something, the correct answer is yes sir. Always. No matter what. It’s not how high you can jump, but just jump and hope for the best. I can’t even take something he said and expound on it in agreement. He doesn’t understand why I’m talking and ”arguing” with him if I’m in agreement. It’s called a conversation. If I just say yes to everything he says, then he will want me to say more. if I say more, he will accuse me of arguing. I have no clue what I’m supposed to say most of the time with him.

We’ve moved on past this again. Everything is ok. No one is moving out. At least not for now. Not until the next argument. It’s hard. This past time, I started going through the pros/cons of leaving him. Honestly, as bad as this sounds, the pros are sounding pretty nice. We could have a cat. A new dog once Karma dies. A house that works for us. A storm shelter. We could go to church. More money (it won’t go to spending on fun stuff for him). Most of all, stability. I won’t always be wondering if today will be the day he walks out. I won’t wonder if today I will be in tears because of another argument. I’m tired of feeling this way. It’s not just if I mess up, but one of the kids too. I pray that they do everything perfectly and that E has patience. Both are hard requests; both at the same time is nearly impossible. I won’t be worried about a potential car wreck because he has gotten pissed at some because they haven’t done something perfect (again).

I haven’t been to counseling in months. It will be teletherapy because of the virus when I do go. I need someone to talk to. I’m falling so hard, but have to be strong. I can do this. Or at least I’m told. But I don’t feel like it. I want this to be done. Not just the marriage. Life. I saw a show yesterday. One of the characters said that even when there is no light, you have to keep moving ahead and eventually you will find light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been going on for years. There’s no light at all.

I’m scared.

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