i’m not alright…

i’m not alright…

What do you do when you decided that dying is the only way out of the pain?  How do you accept that you have to keep going?  That there’s a reason for going through this?  That after living with this for so long, that things WILL get better? I know by every one’s standards it’s my fault for feeling like this.  My fault that I’m depressed.  I’m not strong enough… I’m not a good enough Christian…  I’m not a lot of things I’m supposed to be.  And if I’d just be stronger, a better Christian, everything would be ok. 

I have to wake up every morning and go to work.  At work, most of the time I just feel like crying and sleeping.  But I have to force myself to do work.  I have to force myself to put on a smile.  After all, I can’t be so rude as to say that I don’t want to work, or am ungrateful for the job, because I’m not.  It’s just so hard to make it through the day when I have to be happy.  When I have to interact with people.  When I have to work so hard to hide the tears.

I’m in this alone.  The sooner I realize that the easier this will be.  But I still long for someone to hold me while I cry.  Someone to care whether or not I live or die.  Maybe that would just complicate things though.  Maybe it’s easier to be alone.

And I say I’m alone, but I guess I know I’m not.  So many people tell me that I’m not alone.  But I still feel that way.  It’s so easy for someone to tell some one else that their not alone.  So why should I believe them.  And how does someone feel not alone?  I see no reason why people would want to care about me.  I’m not cute.  I’m depressed.  I have nothing to bring to a relationship.  Nothing.

I quit all my online depression support groups last week.  I’m not joining back.  I’m tempted to quit counseling. 

I’m not going to kill myself… but that doesn’t mean that I want to live. 

One thought on “i’m not alright…

  1. I accidentally stumbled across this blog entry.

    I sit in awe because I could have wrote this.

    I have yet to hear someone express the things I cannot.

    While I have no advice to offer, I hope it's of some consolation that what you write may help others know that we aren't alone in feeling as we do.

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