Afraid and alone

Afraid and alone

The last counseling appointment I was supposed to have got cancelled. She was sick. I was supposed to call the front desk to reschedule. I didn’t. 
I wanted so much for them to drop me. I wanted so much for them to terminate me. For me to be counselor-less. I took too long In between sessions. Now I’m no longer a client. If that happened, I would have permission to go through with killing myself. I can’t go through with it while I’m seeing a counselor. And well, if they told me I didn’t have a counselor, then I would be free. 
But they didn’t drop me. I called today. I have an appointment in a couple of weeks. I’ve already asked to talk about suicide. I’ve let her know that I’m safe, but significantly struggling.  
She will make sure I talk about suicide, but I don’t know how brave I can be. I don’t know how much I will be able to tell her. I don’t know if I will be able to look at her and tell her how afraid I am. I am considering writing the Samaritan’s again. To tell them everything. All I know is I’m extremely down. I’m afraid. Alone. And honestly, I don’t feel like fighting anymore. 
That person who I lived for that day at the creek is no longer in my life. That person who told me that they would be very sad if I killed myself. That person is no longer in my life. And I regret not going through with it then. I regret making the decision to come back. 
I feel trapped. I can’t kill myself. Yet I don’t want to live. I don’t know what I should do next. I don’t know how to fight this. I don’t know if I want to fight this. 

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