I don’t know where to start.  I don’t know where to end.  Nor do I know what goes in between.  

I’m tired of feeling this way in some ways…  comfortable with it in other ways.  I’m so entirely exhausted, but yet, typically my mind won’t quit enough for me to sleep.  Or I wake up and can’t get back to sleep.  Night time has always been the worst for my depression.  And this time proves no differently.  

I don’t think the feelings hurt me near as much before, when I didn’t remember what happy felt like.  They suck so very much now.  Going from blah to sad to depressed isn’t so bad. Going from I’m on top of the world because I just had a baby to wanting to kill myself sucks.      

I feel so very alone.  I AM so very alone.  I have no one I can really talk to about this.  No one that would understand.  I don’t go to a counselor anymore.  Even if I did, what could they do?  Things might get better for a short time, but I’m just going to end up back here.  I have one friend I feel like I can talk to, but that’s it.  And I feel bad for going to this person all the time.  

I just don’t understand why I’m like this.  What am I missing that everyone else seems to understand?  Why can’t I do something as simple as being happy correctly?  Why the heck is this so hard for me?Why can’t I just put on a happy face and be done with it all?  I feel like such a failure for going through this.  And I don’t know what to do about it…  

Leave a Reply