I had a counseling appointment. She started off – as she normally does- asking how I am doing. And I replied – as I normally do – that I am ok. I’m not ok but it’s hard for me to tell her how I am really doing. Some just because this is how I often answer people. And secondly because I don’t know what I’m feeling. I guess I should tell her that. Instead I just say I’m ok.
I’m not ok though. I’m stuck in so many areas of my life, some that I can’t tell her about. Telling her would take the control away from me. This is one of the few areas I have control. And you know what… I don’t deserve that control. I should have left him a long time ago. If I tell her about these things and lose control it’s because I should have done something about things before. I should have walked away.
When I was a kid, I watched my mom be abused by my dad. I watched him yell at her. I watched him punch holes in the wall because he was so mad (at least he wasn’t punching her) I held my sister and comforted her, while absolutely scared myself. I promised myself that if my husband ever did that to me, I’d walk away. If he yelled at me, I’d leave. If he called me names, I’d leave. If he was mean to the kids, I’d leave. It would be easy to walk away. He would deserve it.
And, yet, here I am. Here I am wondering what I should do when my 8 year old self knows unequivocally what to do. Leave. But I’m afraid.
To leave would mean starting over. Going out on dates again. Taking chances on humanity. Living on my own. Alone.
To leave would mean telling the truth. It would mean telling on someone that I supposedly once loved.
To leave would mean that my whole marriage was a mistake. Sure, some people just outgrow others. That’s not the case here. I don’t think I ever loved him. And I always knew that. I wasn’t even in love with the idea of him. He told me he was diabetic and couldn’t live alone. What would happen if he was on his own and no one was there to catch his low blood sugar. Would he survive? If he didn’t would his death be on my hands for leaving him? Plus, I had this crazy idea of no sex until marriage. And since we didn’t wait (I wanted to), then shouldn’t I marry him (yes, I know that’s messed up thinking).
Now I’m in this marriage, afraid to get out. Getting out will mean telling the truth. It will mean voicing concerns about the kids in his care. It will mean going toe to toe with a guy I don’t win much against.