I’m in tears again. The counseling session was hard. I don’t know where to start with this.
We were talking about the suicidal thoughts. At one point she asked me if I wanted to kill myself. I said no. As I’m laying here in bed I’m not so sure. In reality, I want to kill myself I just am not going to do it. I can’t work out how everything would work. Who would find my body? Would one of the kids? Would they have to walk in on me dead? How would that hurt? That image would be so hurtful. I can’t do that to them.
She asked me at one point how long I was going to keep stringing out the marriage. When am I going to walk away? Honestly I still can’t figure out if I am going to walk away or if I’m going to die. That’s where I am right now. Die or divorce. And more than anything die is what I want.
I’m scared of divorce. I’m scared to be alone without the kids for extended periods of time. I’m scared that I’ll go through with it. The kids won’t be there. If I miss the pickup, then he won’t think anything of it. Someone will eventually call the police to do a checking me. None of the kids will have to see me dead. Maybe this is actually what I need. Maybe this is the answer.
Erik was fussing again at dinner. I decided just not to eat. Samantha was like are you sure. Yup. I wonder how long it would take of not eating to just die. Then I’m just sick. I hadn’t killed myself, I just got really sick and died. I wouldn’t be a failure then. I would still be strong. I would still be a worthy child. I would still be a worthy mom.
I can’t believe I’m going through this right now. I can’t believe I’m actually trying to figure out how to make suicide work.
And yet here I am. Scared. Alone. I just want someone to hold me while I cry. I don’t want to be alone right now.