I know I shouldn’t blog when I’m this upset.  Nothing good ever comes of it. 

At what point is it okay to give up?  I know I can never do anything, which makes the feelings even worse.  I know that I’ll live through this, even though I really don’t want to.  No one gets how hard it is just to wake up some days, much less go to work and put on a smile, pretending everything is okay.  As much as I’ve always wanted someone just to hold me while I cry, I can’t do that.  Do you know what it’s like to know that a simple hug would be too emotionally intense to endure?  To have feelings so overwhelmingly intense that you feel like your head is popping open?  To spend all your energy just struggling to not burst in to tears?  Nothing is calming anymore.  Nothing can quiet what’s going on; I’ve given up on that.  Why is this so hard now?  I’ve gone through these feelings for so long, why can’t I keep it together even at work now?   

I have a counseling appointment on Wednesday.  I’m scared as shit.  I see no way I’ll be able to have the courage to bring up how I’ve been feeling in words.  Only a letter that I will give him at the end of the session.  Then I’ll have to wait two weeks to see him.  I wish I had the courage to tell people things out loud.  I wish I wasn’t so terrified all the time.  I wish I could be normal, so people would like me and want to be friends instead of just tolerating me at best.

I still have a burning question.  No one’s ever been able to answer it.  When I ask, people ignore or go ummmmm…  Why is it okay for a mom to have an abortion, but I’d be seen as a mental case, horrible person, insert your own bad description here, if I killed myself?  Really I want an answer…  Why can a mom make a decision to kill an innocent kid when I can’t decide the fate of my own life?  

One thought on “

  1. No one has been able to answer you because it is too hard for most people to even fathom the question. First off, depending on your political viewpoint, some don't see a first trimester fetus as a kid so you are combining an emotional question with a political question. How about we just address why it is not alright for you to kill yourself?
    You are in a great deal of pain now so you are looking for immediate relief in reaction to immediate negative stimuli. That in itself is not unnatural. Many people do it whether it is as insignificant as scratching an itch or as serious as becoming dependent on illegal drugs to get high or escape from life. But you don't know what your life may lead to in another year or five. Your perception of your life and your place in other people's lives is just one perception. It is also a perception clouded by the illness of depression which paralyzes the mind and doesn't allow you to see yourself accurately. I've been there. I know all this in retrospect. If I had given up I would not have the wonderful life I have today but you could have never told me that back then. I would not have believed you and I would have thought you were unable to comprehend the level of my pain.
    I think your writing about this is very healthy and I encourage you to continue. Your writing is very articulate. This alone tells me, without even knowing you, that you have value. Anyone who can write so effectively has a future. Apparently you just haven't found yours yet or it is within your reach but you can't see it through the cloud of your emotions.
    I am glad you have made an appointment for counseling. Don't worry that you can't vocalize what you are feeling. Getting in there is the first step & the rest will come. If you can bring yourself to do so, send your letter to the counselor in advance of your session so that you don't have to wait 2 weeks for a follow up.
    And keep writing. Don't throw out anything you have written. If you can't bear to read it again, put it somewhere safe for later. Having it to reread later is going to help you with your healing process. When you are more cognizant and in a better frame of mind, this writing will help you analyze all you have been through. Once you are able to get past this period in your life, and YOU WILL if you follow my advice and hang in there, this writing will help you help others as I am trying to help you. And if being present and able to help others is not the ultimate gift worth living for, I'm not sure what is.

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