Who can I turn to when I’m too afraid to tell my counselor something? For those of you close enough to me, you might be able to figure out what I need to talk about. For those not, I think it’s better to keep you in the dark. Even though the likelihood of me actually going through with it is slim, it’s still a remote possibility. I don’t want those who happened to run across my blog to be in trouble. I just want to be able to talk to someone, preferably with a religious background about something that may or may not get me in “trouble” with a regular counselor. I’d just like the ability to not have to watch what I’m saying, to be able to open up completely, and make my own decision afterwards.
I’ve struggled with this decision since I was quite younger. It’s always been something in the back of my mind, always something that I couldn’t talk to anyone about. I long for that peace now. For someone to know the intensity of the feelings. To be able to talk about it with someone else without fear of judgment or…
It’s hard to see that things can or will get better. On good days, it’s easy to have faith that at the very least, even if I don’t get better, that there is a reason for me being on this path. However, on bad days, it’s a totally different belief. I try the hardest to hang on to the knowledge from the good days, even if I don’t completely believe it at that point.
Unfortunately, the good times are rare, and the bad ones take such a toll on me, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I keep going because I’m supposed to, not necessarily because I want to.
I know most people aren’t going to understand this. They aren’t going to be able to get how badly I feel on a lot of days. That’s ok. I just want someone to care about and accept me this way. No strings attached. No well if you don’t get better in x many days, well you’re on your own.