It’s another long sleepless night. I am so tired of feeling this way. Of dreaming I will get better. I do believe I’ve given up on that though. After all how many years can someone suffer and still have a shot at happiness? How do I keep going knowing I’ll always feel like this?
I want to talk to my counselor about some things but I’m afraid. I’m not going to kill myself but that doesn’t make the wanting to die any less real, any less scary. How does someone explain that to someone else, regardless of whether or not the other person can understand? Who can understand something like that unless they’ve been through it themselves? How do I tell someone that I want to die? I wish I could talk about this to someone, at least so the feelings won’t be so strong, or so lonely.
I know most folks reading this won’t understand the feelings. I know people will think I’m a freak for going through this. I don’t blame them. Maybe I am.
What am I missing that every one else gets? Why is moving forward so easy for every one and so painstakingly hard for me? This goes beyond whether or not I think I’m worthy of living or have some purpose for being here. I guess in a way it’s something much more simple than that: the pain I endure every day. Does wanting to die make me selfish? I’ve been told it does. The problem is I don’t care any more whether or not any one thinks I’m selfish. I just want the pain and turmoil to stop. If that makes me selfish than so be it.
Even though I know it’s not true, I can’t help but wonder sometimes whether God is punishing me for something. I feel so alone in the world all the time, and the feelings are always so intense. Maybe I did something when I was younger to make God mad at me. Maybe I do deserve this.
How do I hold back the tears when my energy has been taken from holding them back so many other times? How do I have hope and keep fighting when the very disease I’m fighting takes away hope and energy.
What am I missing that every one else gets? There must be something.