Vacation

You would think that vacation is supposed to be a good thing. What happens when it is a struggle to hold back the tears when you are in one of the places that you look forward to going to all year? Why do I feel so tired AND so very depressed?

I live for this week. The one week when I feel like I’m surrounded by people who care about me. This is where the depression gets really hard. When I know I’m supposed to be happy, but I’m still struggling. It makes me feel guilty, stupid. I can’t even be happy right.

Is depressing. It’s tiring. It’s damn near impossible to fight the tears and the feelings of complete hopelessness. And how do you explain that to someone who’s never been through it. How do you explain to them that the feelings you are experiencing are almost completely separate from what you are doing.? How do you make someone see that no matter how much you laugh on the outside you are still breaking completely on the inside?

It occurred to me the other day that no matter how many people I have around me that I know care about me, I will still feel alone. And the fact that I know the people care about me and that I still feel so alone and scared only makes me feel guilty. Guilty for the feelings that I have no right to.

What gives me the right to feel like this and to seek help for it when there are people going through more that need help more than me. That deserve help more than me.

Life’s so hard. So very hard. I won’t say unfair because I deserve to feel this way.

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