I have a counseling appointment tomorrow, and haven’t come up with a topic I want to talk about. What do I talk about when I don’t believe I have a chance of getting better? Why the heck can’t I stop crying?
It’s hard to keep going back to counseling every other week when I don’t believe I have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting better. I’m exhausted from trying to fight this. EXHAUSTED. I think I could sleep for several days on end. I have to keep moving, keep working, keep doing what is normal. I get less questions that way. The more people that know, the more people that think I’m completely crazy.
I used to think there was some reason for going through the depression. That going through this would help someone else. Anything to justify having to deal with the pain. I’m not sure what I believe anymore. Supposedly this isn’t a punishment for something I’ve done wrong. Supposedly. As I said before I don’t know what to believe.
I’m starting to run out of things to grasp on to. Now I stay alive to help pay the bills. What happens when I don’t have that to hold on to anymore (yes, I know, potentially that will be a very long time). But what happens? What will keep me going then?
Sometimes I wish I would have listened to the counselors who told me that I needed to be hospitalized. Maybe I would be leading a very different life right now. Maybe. But I couldn’t, and still can’t, risk having everyone know. What would I tell current / future employers why I’ve been gone for a month of my life without working? What would I tell family… and supposed friends? As much as I long for peace and rest, I can’t risk everything else. I have to keep trudging along. I have to keep moving, no matter how much the pain.