Tomorrow it may change (or not)

Tomorrow it may change (or not)

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it’ll be ok,

Yeah I try to believe you,

Not today, today, today, today, today…

Tomorrow it may change

– Tomorrow by Avril Lavigne

I absolutely love this song.  It speaks a lot to me.  I have been told quite a lot that things get better.  But I have no reason to believe this.  No proof.  And even if they did get better for a day or two, or even a year or two, I still end up back at this spot.  I still end up wanting to die, and not knowing what to do about it.  I’ve thought this out so much, and I always come up with the same solution.  I always come up with wanting to go through with it.  People that have never been here before don’t get the feelings, leaving me even more ostracized.  I’m supposed to snap my fingers and everything be ok.  Right?  I feel talked out.  Like no matter what I say, the pain won’t go away, so what’s the point?  I just wish I had someone to talk to that would at least keep an open mind.  Someone that doesn’t have an agenda already.  That would actually listen, and treat dying as an option.  It doesn’t help when I have to be careful and choose my words because said person thinks I don’t have the right to kill myself and therefore takes it away from me.  I want to have an honest talk with someone without being afraid of being locked up.  Why is this so difficult?  Why am I considered stupid or insane or crazy if I want the battle to end?  Why is it considered brave for an end stage cancer patient to take her life before her time, but for someone who struggles with mental illness much of their life it isn’t.  They have x rays and images backing up that they have a right to die.  What do I have?  Messed up thoughts that I struggle with every day.  And that makes a cancer patient who dies prematurely brave and a person with depression a coward.  Brave or coward, it doesn’t change the intensity of the feelings.  It only changes how alone and estranged I feel from the world, and only feeds the feelings I have.      

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