to live or not to live…

Life is getting harder for me.  It’s hard staying alive.  Girl, Interrupted is one of my favorite movies.  I remember at the beginning when Susannah was in bed with Toby and she was talking about killing herself.  That is how I feel so much of the time.  If something good happens, I live.  If something bad happens, I want to kill myself.  Since I can’t ever perceive something good happening, I constantly want to die.  It’s a scary place to be.  Few people understand.  I should be happy because I have this, that, and whatever… but I’m not.  My first “plan” was when I was 11.  My mom had just had brain surgery, but that is a whole other blog to write about.  I’ve had several plans over the years.  The one that has always stuck with me has been starving myself to death.  I was never officially diagnosed, but am pretty sure I was anorexic in high school.  That is how I want to die, though I know it will be a death by suffering, which is what I wanted anyways.  This “plan” has always made it hard on me to eat.  I am desperately overweight (~180 at 5’2″) and want to lose weight.  But I know if I diet I will once again become anorexic.  I guess it is the all or nothing thing.  I’m afraid I will end up dying, but in a way that is what I want.  I feel like I force myself to eat, knowing it will only take one or two missed meals to send me back on my way to not eating.  Pitiful, eh?Another pitiful thing…  One of the reasons I haven’t killed myself is because I don’t want to die alone.  I’ve felt like I have lived so much of my life alone, I just want someone there with me when I die.  Which will be hard to do since no one wants to be in trouble, as they would be if they were with me when I died.  It’s so hard being in this spot, believing that the only way for things to get better is to die.  I feel like I am letting God down for feeling this way.  Yet, at the same time, it’s like I can’t help the feeling.  I need to talk to my counselor about this… but how do you tell someone that you want to die?

2 thoughts on “to live or not to live…”

  1. I agree and I thank you for being so honest on your blog. Tell your counselor. He/she would want to know this and will be able to help you.

  2. I don't even know how I came across this page.. I think what I want to say is this.. Somehow I just happened to be googling Rachel Reiland's book and your page popped up. I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner, 29 yrs old. I went to Vandy..live in Nashville area too..I just want to say it's ok that you feel the way you do. That might sound stupid, but I understand that you can't just turn it off. Someone needs to acknowledge that. I wish you all the best.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *