It’s been such a long weekend. I’m exhausted, but enjoyed the weekend much more than today. Friday we went to a bowling thing with a local ASCE YM group. I’m not real active in ASCE, so getting to meet a few folks was actually ok. Both me and my husband went, and lost every game to the other two 🙂 . At least he had fun though, which is good. Saturday we cleaned a bit in the morning. Then to a wedding reception on Saturday. I’m not much for social events, and didn’t really know anyone there. I made it through I guess. Sunday was the Habitat House build with a local UMC. It was ok. Lots of work, but I got to meet some cool people and help build a house from someone that seems to be nice, so it made the work worth it. We woke up at 4:00 in the morning as we had to be at the house at 6:30. We were supposed to take two other people out there that didn’t have a way to get to the house. We were supposed to meet at 6 in the morning. At 6:15, I called them, wondering where they were. Apparently one of them was sick and they couldn’t make it. While I wasn’t upset by the fact that they couldn’t make it, it was a bit unnerving that they didn’t think to call me so we wouldn’t be sitting out in the parking lot waiting for them for 20 minutes. I’m tired today. And facing a day at work. I started crying at 6:30 this morning, and I have been crying a lot since then. I’m tired and when I’m tired it’s hard to face the days. Most people don’t know what I go through. Very few family and friends I’ve told. It’s easier this way I guess, though lonely. I don’t get the constant how are you doing questions that I’m expected to answer correctly. Now it’s just Fine or I’m tired. Something less obvious (or a flat out lie). I’m not alright though (I am tired though – no exhausted). I’m tired of trying to beat this depression. Tired of going on day after day wishing that I wouldn’t make it to the next day. In a way, I don’t want to make friends. Don’t want to rehash and try to explain the feelings to someone who potentially won’t understand; and potentially won’t want to ever talk to me again. I’m not offended when people don’t understand. I get that; I’m not sure I would understand the feelings if I wasn’t fighting them right now (and honestly, sometimes I still don’t understand them). However, the whole I’m too depressing to be around does get old after a while. And it means that I’m a lot less likely to actually open up to people if I keep getting the whole I’m too depressing to be around. It’s like I have to be a pretend person when I’m around people. To put up a wall that they can’t cross. Unfortunately, it’s hard to have the “wall” shift. So while I do such a good job keeping everyone I don’t want in, it’s hard to let the people I do want to know in.