Struggling Considerably

I realized this morning that yesterday would likely be my last birthday. Considering how hard they are for me to get through that is a relief. For some reason though, it still hit hard.

The last session I had with my counselor she mentioned that she had no issue letting me go. While I want to die, I likely won’t do it considering how long I’ve wanted to and the fact I haven’t. I agreed at first. Honestly, though, it hurts now. It downplays how much I’m hurting. I’m in excruciating emotional pain. It’s almost like a dare. Well if you haven’t done it so far, you likely won’t do it. Everyone reaches their limit. And my limit has been reached.

I wish there was a way to kill myself that I could just go to sleep and not wake up. Bonus points if I didn’t know what would be the last time that I wouldn’t wake up. Like a surprise to me too. I pray for cancer. For some disease doctors can’t fix so that I don’t have to do this at my hand. I know that sounds bad. It is hard for me to watch all these people full of life with cancer thinking they have so much left to give and I’m over here just taking up space.

I want this to end. I need this to end.

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