sorry

Yesterday was an alright day.  I actually got through the whole day without crying.  I think.  Memories come and go in a blur and sometimes it’s hard to discern whether something happened last year or last hour.  For the most part I can fake my way out of people catching on.  I don’t have the strength or the energy to do that anymore. 

We’re going down to visit my family this weekend.  Next week is dead weekend; I’ve declared.  We’re going to do something together, with no one else involved.  As much as I love everyone, I’ve reached the overstimulation point.  We’ve been going for the last 4-6 weekends, and I desperately need to catch up on chores at home. 

I’ve decided to go on a diet.  This is where it becomes difficult for me.  There are so many times that I get hungry, dizzy hungry, but don’t feel like eating.  It’s hard, but I eat.  I remember in high school my diets consisted basically of me not eating.  It’s a fine line I walk between eating too much and not wanting to eat at all.  So I’m either fat or what seems to be for me, too skinny (even though the doctors thought at this point I was still too fat.  I don’t think 112 at 5’2" when you can see my ribs is too fat).  I can tell it’s going to be too easy for me just not to eat. 

I’m tired of this roller coaster ride of emotions.  I’m tired of not knowing whether the next moment will bring a big drop in mood.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m free falling so much of the time.  I’m tired of fighting the tears so no one knows how I feel.  I’m tired of alot of the people who know dismissing the extent of the depression.  "Just do this this and this and voila you’re cured."  "No, you’re wrong, it is just that easy, you’re just too dumb/weak/put proper insult here to figure it out." 

So, I’m sorry if I can’t muster up a smile at someone.  I’m sorry if I seem tired all the time.  I do my best to get by.  I wish I could do more fore people.

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