something to take the edge off

What do you do when you feel alone?  When you *know* that there is no one you can call that would “get” what you are going through.  Yeah, they would tell you how much they understand, but they don’t.  I’m just a lazy bitch to them, someone who isn’t grateful for what she’s got.  No meds have worked for me yet, and I have no faith that any would if I tried them.  I’ve just got to get through this life alone, by myself.  Sometimes I wonder if drinking would help.  I’ve never been drunk.  Can you believe that, I’m 27 years old and have never been drunk.  There’s a couple of reasons, some that I thought I would write about tonight.

First I guess I’m afraid that if it works, if it numbs the feelings, that I would become an alcoholic.  I long for something that works for the depression.  Would it be so bad if the drinking helped to drink to take away the pain?  I know it’s only temporary relief, but I need something to take the edge off the feelings so bad. 

The second reason I’m afraid to drink is a little more personal.  I had just turned 21, and it was the end of my junior year in college, as in the week before finals.  A group of classmates (who I considered friends) came and asked me and one of my friends if we wanted to go out and study (read “drink”).  I had tons to do, so I declined.  My friend was always up for a drink with some friends went to study.  This was about 4 pm.  She had a group she went to at 8, and then we were to get together at 9 to work on some homework.  Around 9 I called since I hadn’t heard from her.  They were still at Applebee’s (where they had decided to study) and she was fixing to come over and study with me.  I should have offered to drive her, I knew she was drunk, and I could have been there and back in less than 10 minutes.  I was mad though because it was getting late, she was out partying, and I was having problems with homework.  I fell asleep waiting on her.  The phone woke me up at about 3 or so in the morning.  Her mom was calling to try to find her since she wasn’t answering her phone.  We finally got hold of her a little later, she was at the house of one of the people she went drinking with.  She didn’t remember anything about the night or anything, she was just sore.  I think she wondered, but didn’t realize what happened until she overheard some people talking about it.  Apparently, one of the people she was with drugged her drink and they took her back and raped her.  I felt so bad after that… if I had just picked her up, then none of this would have happened.  I knew they were going after me too.  I deserved to be treated like that though, like shit.  She didn’t.  I wish I could get rid of the guilt, but I can’t.  I’ve never been able to talk to her about my feelings of guilt over what happened.   

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