somebody tell me what’s missing

“What am I missing?” The question asked by my counselor yesterday in session. I can’t say that it is the first time someone has asked that. And this time, as all the other times, my reply was I don’t know. I don’t know what everyone is missing, only what I am.

I am missing hope, life, and laughter. And the sad thing is, I don’t think I am unhappy about that. For with hope, life, and laughter, they can disappear. Sadness can’t, it will always be there. I will always have a friend in it. There is no in between. Only sadness and happiness, smile or frown. I have to live the in between life, going through the motions of the appropriate feelings, only to fight the black and white fight inside.

I remember in grad school, someone walked in while I was taking Zoloft (an antidepressant). After some joking around about me being a druggie and what not I finally admitted what the medicine was. “Wow, you don’t seem depressed”. Nope I don’t seem like I need it. The outside goes on, a disconnect from what is going on inside of me. On the outside, I keep my job (though I hate it and want to quit), I graduated grad school (though I wanted to throw in the towel every day), I graduated valedictorian of my high school class (my grades were the only thing I felt like I could control in my life). On the inside, god it is such a dark place. Sometimes it is hard to go there, always it is hard to come back.

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