Some Final Words

Today is counseling appointment day.

Hopefully I will have the guts to walk in and tell my counselor not only am I not going to see my psychiatrist any more but I won’t be seeing him, at least for a while.

I see no point in continuing with counseling. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about stuff, but the harder stuff I really need to talk about, I simply can’t open up to him about. Hell I can’t talk to anyone about it. Plus I know a certain person who would like to spend the extra time with me.

How do I feel about this? Alone, totally and utterly alone. I feel bad for leaning on my Twitter friends, no matter how much they say I can. I feel bad for leaning on my non-Twitter friends. So I am facing this and know there is no one out there that I feel I can trust with everything. I sit down to write this and a part of me doesn’t want anyone to know even what I write now. I literally just want to curl in to a ball and die.

I’m crying again. I started the day crying and it’s been off and on ever since. I’m exhausted and have no hope whatsoever of getting better. I have fought this for years, and don’t know how much energy or patience I have for continuing the fight. I’m considering taking down my blog, or at least not writing in it any more. What’s the point? No one wants to listen to someone whine about how much she hurts despite all the great stuff she has in her life. I feel like a selfish horrible person. A failure. That’s me.

2 thoughts on “Some Final Words”

  1. You are so not a failure and I know what you're talking about when you say that you trust nobody to tell everything that's going on. I'm much the same way. Everyone who knows me knows a few things but not others.
    Right now I'm with someone who knows more about me than most but even he doesn't know everything. I don't want to whine or make it sound like I have more important issues than he does. It's not easy to trust someone and you may never trust anyone enough to let it all out. But you could write it down, in a word document, in a good old-fashioned journal, something you have just for yourself. To write stuff down because you need to let it out but don't trust anyone to tell them. Maybe it helps. In the meantime, I'm thinking about you & wish I could just give you a hug.

  2. Not a failure – just tired of treading water. I get those blues every year when I look around and see the new year's not much more than a re-hash of the old one.

    Take a break, spend your time splashing your consciousness on the person you said wants more of your time. Revisit your options after a hiatus – things may look better than they do right now

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