Snap out of it

Gosh I’ve heard that line so many times. After all, I have a wonderful husband, a house, a job, a funny-eyed dog, great parents, etc. The list goes on. I shouldn’t be depressed. If I were a good Christian I wouldn’t be depressed. And you know some days I believe that. Some days I feel so guilty for feeling so depressed I just want to kill myself. Some days I realize that I can’t just snap out of it… or can I?

“Don’t you want to get better?” Another one of those famous lines. The answer is always yes, but at the same time I just want to shout no. No I don’t want to get better. Yes, I know this isn’t the norm. Most people see a counselor because they want to get better. Why else would you spend time and money seeing someone to work out your problems? To feel loved.

It’s still not that simple. I can’t just snap out of it, even if I wanted to. I can’t just wake up one morning and say this is all over, I’m happy now anymore than someone that is Type 1 Diabetic can wake up one morning and say I don’t need insulin anymore (or at least at this time).

The point is, the depression goes deeper than just the surface. It goes deeper than supposedly being happy because I have a dog. It goes deeper than something that happened yesterday. Or the one fight I had with my husband. It’s everything and nothing in particular at the same time.

Maybe if I stay where I am now, I will become more interesting. Maybe the depression is what makes me so interesting. Maybe people love the sadness in me, and not me as a person. Maybe that is what I do.

I know so many other people have such a harder time at life than me. So many others are hurting so much more than me. So many other people deserve to be loved more than me.

I’m invisible.

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