Saying good bye to a friend

I consider my counselor I had in MO one of the best friends I have ever had.  I thought we had a special bond.  Emphasis on THOUGHT.

She has been one of the few people I was able to tell ANYTHING to and not feel totally guilty about admitting things.   She was one of the reasons (and at times, the only) that I stayed alive.  She made me promise at the end of every session to stay alive to the next one.  I promised her when I quit counseling with her I would exhaust every resource before deciding to kill myself. 

Well, I was planning on passing through MO on a vacation that I had planned.  I wanted to meet with her and just say hi and have some coffee or ice cream or something.  Nothing doing.   She would feel uncomfortable meeting with me because of our past relationship.  Whatever.  I feel betrayed and can’t get past this.  I don’t have the heart to tell my current counselor, and boundaries for me are so very light gray they are almost white.  I can’t distinguish the difference between a “friend” relationship and a “counselor” relationship.  They both seem the same, and it hurts on so many different levels to feel as let down as I did then. 

What do you do when the reason you have been staying alive has been torn into a million little pieces?  What do you do when you’re too afraid to feel because of all the pain?

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