Okay, I realize I’m cheating here. Of the front and back of a handwritten page, I only feel comfortable posting a quarter of it here. The rest I don’t dare write in public.
It’s getting increasingly difficult for me to not get triggered by stuff. Little things, like just about any song, just about anything. It’s so intense, so hard to control the emotions. Even at work where I used to be able to be in control, it’s hard to be. It’s hard to control the tears. Concentration is bad and it’s nearly impossible to stay with it, to not completely space out.
I’m so tired. I’ve been dealing with this for so long. I’ve given up on getting better, of being happy to be alive. I’m so tired of feeling this way though. I’m tired of wasting so much of my energy just to do the normal things everyone takes for granted. I’m tired of counting down the time until 5 pm (quitting time) as soon as I get up. I’m tired of being alive, of having to pray for death. How come everyone else is normal while I have to spend all my energy pretending that I am?