So because my days lately hadn’t been shitty enough, it just keeps getting better.
So Samantha and I were making magic cookie bars for my Christmas party the next day. She was watching wild kratts. Hubby, while her back was turned, changed the tv show. I was teasing him about changing the show. Samantha started screaming because he changed her show off. He got pissed and went to sleep. And that’s how my evening ended…
Beginning of December… First day back for one of my employees who had been out of country. She looked at me and asked if I had changed something… Yes, I had a new makeup. She liked it. She said it looked like I had a pregnant glow. I thought nothing of it until a couple of days later when my cycle was late. Pregnancy test confirmed it…
It’s a couple of weeks before Christmas and i thought we had our plans all figured out. Hubby’s mom on Wednesday before Christmas, Thursday with hubby’s father and then Christmas Day with “Santa” and my parents. We had agreed to it. Saturday we would go back to his moms because she wanted to do a separate birthday thing for the little one. We agreed to this right after Thanksgiving. He even yelled at me and told me I better not change my mind. That we had agreed to the plan with his mom and that it couldn’t be changed.
I made it through my birthday. I wish I hadn’t. Actually I wish I would have had enough courage to kill myself when I was young.
I asked a coworker if things got better. He told me they always do. Though what was I to expect. Him to tell me they don’t?
I started taking my medicine again. It screws with my memory but I have to have some relief. It makes me sleepy but doesn’t keep me asleep. So I’m awake like every hour or so.
The days are getting harder and harder for me to deal with. I’m starting to realize that things won’t get better. That life won’t get better.
I still can hear my mom say the words… Your uncle died of a self inflicted gun shot wound. I wasn’t terribly close. I mean we visited but he wasn’t my best friend. The way he died …
I fell down the steps this morning. My sister asked what happened and my husband responded that I was staring at my phone and not paying attention and fell down the stairs. When I said I wasn’t even looking at my phone, and the stairs were slippery he then said it was because I hadn’t vaccummed. It’s always my fault with him. I can never do anything right. I’m a horrible person. I get it. And I deserve it. I deserve it every time I get yelled at. I deserve to cry. I deserve to be alone.