Yesterday I spent crying. Today I have to be better. There’s a kid coming from the local high school to shadow us engineers. So I have to be happy. I can’t cry, but that’s all I feel like doing. That’s all I ever feel like doing anymore. Crying. Sleeping. Certainly not working. Certainly not facing people.
I remember when I was in college. My counselor then made me go through a worksheet. I think it was from the book Mind over Mood. I forget who wrote it though. I had to think of people who cared for me, and write down logical facts as to why I believed they cared for me. I think she ended up doing more of the worksheet than me, and she believed it more than I did too. Looking back at it now, I still don’t believe it. I still have a hard time believing that anyone cares for me. I just don’t understand why anyone would. And it’s been obvious that even in an online situation, people don’t give a crap about me. They are there for me during the “good” times (which basically means never, because there are no good times). Most people who stand by me don’t know the extent of how I feel. They don’t understand how difficult it is to face the day alive, much less face it without crying. A few people who battle the same feelings as I do stand by me, but those are few and far between. And I have to go through the weeding process, trusting those who tell me that they care about me and finding out the hard way that they don’t just to get to the few that do. I’m starting to think that being alone is better than having to go through that weeding process. I have a few that I *think* care about me. I’ll just stick with them; no more new friends. No more trusting. No more bawling my eyes out because I trusted someone I shouldn’t have. I feel alone already. I’m just making that feeling seem more… I don’t know… real?
So I’m back to the question… who do I talk to when trusting is an issue, and I can’t talk to my counselor about something? Who can I talk to, and no matter what I say or feel, it stay confidential?