no where to run

I know it doesn’t matter anymore to anyone.  But it does to me.  Living is getting increasingly harder. 
I’ve been told I fight too hard and to relax.  That’s not going to work. 
I’ve been told I fake the depression to get friends.  Yeah, like all those friends are lining up at my door to help me and console me as I cry by myself.  As I cut by myself. 
I’ve been told that new medicines are discovered all the time and one may help me.  What makes me think something new will help when nothing has helped before?  Nine tries at medicines and none of them worked in the least bit.  Why should I get my hopes up like that just to have them crushed?  I’ve been to two psychiatrists, and it was apparent neither cared.  Now I’m left struggling, knowing no one will care if I died.  I take that back, my husband would.  If I died, there goes my income that allows him to buy cool stuff and have a big house, there would go the wife that puts up with his yelling and cleans house, the wife that gives him sex almost anytime he wants. 
I guess the most frustrating thing is knowing that I won’t kill myself.  Knowing that I am nothing but a coward.  Even though the feelings are so real and intense, I will continue on living.  It’s like being in a candy store or something, wanting to buy everything you see but knowing you can’t.  Knowing something forbids you from doing it, but you don’t know what.  I’m scared but complacent at the same time.  Praying that God will “curse” me with some deadly disease that would take my hand out of the decision.  And feeling guilty that I would want to take such a “gift” that God gave me (life) away. 
I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve to be punished so much by God.  Was I bad in a previous life?  Did I do something to make God mad at me?  I was reading a book that was referring to the Footprints poem, the one about God carrying you through the sand.  I can’t feel anyone helping me.  It’s more like someone is holding me down in water, then letting me up for a minute, and holding me down again. 

One thought on “no where to run”

  1. Hi..this is anon again.. I just wanted to say that I think that you are the opposite of a coward..If life is the hardest thing..then going on with life is the most courageous thing. I hope that it is not true that your psychiatrists didn't care. I am sure there are times that my patients feel that I don't care. I always do care. I think at times I might care too much. Sometimes we want to help so much we forget that we don't have magic pills. I know this has to be very frustrating for you. I do have people that have made progress after long periods of time, after trying medicine after medicine..even more than those you listed. I think it would be helpful to know at what dosages and for how long you took them. I think that ultimately it comes down to trying to see if there are certain beliefs, patterns, or behaviors in your life that are keeping you from living the way you want to. Hopefully that would help you and your mental health provider decide what would be the best kind of therapy for you. I know this is all words..but I have had your pain on my mind wishing that I could help. I know that these empty words are no help but I truly believe that life does not always have to be this way for you. I want to thank you for making this blog available to the public to read. I think it has been helpful to me and I want to let you know that I do care..and there are others who care and your words and thoughts and feelings have meaning.

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