I went to counseling last night. Final comments were I look much happier. I’m not. Oh, God, I’m not. Holding back tears, even at work, is still really hard for me. The last two times I’ve gone to counseling (which have been the only two times recently) I’ve been in a decent mood. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because the prospect of someone listening to me for an hour helps to the point where I’m relaxed enough to breathe through the depression. Or maybe it’s just coincidence. Or maybe it was the funny joke told on the radio before the session. At any rate, it’s so frustrating because I don’t want to be in a good mood. I want to be candid with the counselor. But at the same time, I’m afraid.
I just know everyday is a struggle. I want so bad to talk to my counselor. To tell him what’s going on. I’m not going to be normal; not going to be able to get through this. Anti-depressants don’t work. I’m not even sure whether counseling works anymore. It’s so hard just to get through the daily grind. So many days lately I just want to stay at home. To sleep all day. I’m increasingly tired, depressed… and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m defeated. I’m defeated by an illness that even the lesser intelligent people can beat. That makes me weak, stupid, and alone.
I’ve been thinking of maybe trying meds again. The new drug, Abilify, I’ve wondered about. But it is so hard for me to think about trying out new meds. It’s like I get all hopeful about a new drug, and I just have that much farther to fall. It’s so disheartening and even more depressing realizing that the drug doesn’t work. That I’m one step closer to not having an answer; to having no hope at all. To being alone with no way out.
You know, what’s bad is that supposedly since I don’t want to actually kill myself (as opposed to just dying), people are more relaxed about my condition. She’ll be ok, there’s no danger of her committing suicide. But, when I wanted to kill myself, I had hope that things would get better. That if things got rough, there was some way out. There was always a glimmer of hope that way. Now, none. No hope that things will get better.