It’s hard doing this everyday. Wondering what the point in living is. Wondering how long I can keep this up and keep some semblance of sanity. Most people don’t get how much I struggle. In some ways, I wish they would take a walk in my shoes for a couple of days, to feel the feelings I do. To have to then explain the feelings to others who can’t or don’t want to understand what I’m going through. To have to put on a smile for the boss or the husband or the family when all you feel like doing is crying. To hold back the tears when they flow so freely. In other ways, though, I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy. What good would having someone else feel this… well, besides then knowing I’m not alone.
I’m back to wishing more than anything just to have someone hold me while I cry. Yes, I am a loser because I just want someone to hold me when I cry. It’s so hard when things get to the point where I’m crying. I just feel so empty, so alone (and yes, I know what the answer is… God is with you, you aren’t alone…) Unfortunately, it’s hard enough to grasp at things I can see during this time, and things I KNOW during this time, like what my friggin’ name is, that grasping at the concept that God loves someone like me is hard. Which, by the way, is why my phone is full of Christian music to help me through these times. I’ve learned that the likelihood of me breaking down around someone who gives a flip about me is slim, so I don’t expect the hugs.
I wish I could find something to take the edge off; something to give me a bit of peace in my life. I know I can’t cut; my husband would be mad at me, and rightfully so. It helps so much though; why I wish I knew. I’m afraid to drink because if it helps; I can see me becoming an alcoholic real quick. So, I have to do what I can to get through each moment alive. Some days it’s more about getting through the day alive then it is what I did with the day.
Tuesday (that would be tomorrow) is my husband and my third wedding anniversary. After all this time of knowing him, it still baffles me that someone as good as him would want to be with someone like me.