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What do you do when you realize that your life isn’t worth living anymore?  That you want to die?  That no one would care if you did?  Well, except for monetary purposes.  Now that we have a new truck it is more important to have my income.  Maybe the dog, but she is resilient.  In a way, it’s easier with no one caring. 

This is how I’ve lived my life since I was young.  I don’t remember a time in my life that I didn’t struggle with this.  How messed up are you when you have a plan at 12?  This doesn’t … and won’t get better.  Just going through work without crying is so dang hard.  I’m alone in the pain.  Even if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be able to feel anyone caring about me.  Acceptance of the pain is the only way to deal with it.  And it is so hard to accept the fact that this is how I will spend the rest of my life.  Trying to suppress the tears.  Knowing if anyone knew how I felt inside, they’d hate me.  Trying to smile at everyone I meet.  Because not putting on a fake smile would result in crying.

I didn’t end up quitting facebook or myspace.  I did quit all the yahoogroups though.  I want to be alone.  It’s better that way.

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