My birthday

I’ve made it through alive. I didn’t want to. And I feel like I’m spiraling downwards now that everything is quiet and I’m alone in my thoughts.

I keep remembering my husband telling me a couple of months ago that they were better off without me. That they didn’t need me. That he wanted me to leave.

That repeats over and over in my head. He nor the kids want me at home. No one wants me around. I can do this.

I wish I would have gone through with it that day. I had the knife in my hand. All I had to do was go through with it. All I had to do was press down. But I was a coward and couldn’t do it. Now I regret it. Now I have to live with what causes me pain.

I know I have plans to go through with it. But what happens if I don’t have the courage to do it? What happens if I chicken out again? I’m scared. I’m scared of living and of dying. And feel so alone. I can’t keep this up.

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