my aunt

For the past five years my aunt struggled with lung cancer.  She did chemo and everything seemed to be going ok.  Then a couple of months ago, the docs basically sent her home to die.  She was still active but like climbing stairs was getting hard for her.  She stopped responding to medication and her lungs were so swollen the doctors were afraid to do anything anyways.  Mid to end of August she writes that she is still trying to stay active.  Beginning of September she dies. 

We weren’t especially close.  I grew up in the country.  Her kids were city dwellers.  I went to a poor public school.  Her kids went to a rich person’s private school.  Her kids memorized worthless facts.  I learned things that mattered.  I enjoyed hunting after snakes (well, ok not all the time but it was still cool to run across them).  They read a bunch (not like I didn’t read).  But anyways, her kids were CIVILIZED.  I wasn’t.  So she didn’t want us associating with each other.  Because well, I guess she didn’t want us to corrupt her kids. 

I’m testing a theory that it is just as hard to lose someone you’re not close to as someone you are.  I wanted to be close but apparently I wasn’t good enough for her.  I was reading her online obit and several of her ex students (she was a school librarian) were saying all these nice things about her about how she smiled and treated them so well.  Why wasn’t I good enough?  After all, I was related.  I don’t think I am that non-civilized.  But I guess I am.

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