Make it Stop…

Why do you stay alive? I’m sure that most people can think of a whole laundry list of reasons to keep going, to make it through another day and wake up the next. Most people would be devastated if they learned they had but just a little time to live. Most people live by default, and think of reasons to die if they are suicidal.

As normal, I’m backwards. For me, dying is default. I have to think of reasons to stay alive. And I can think of none. Well, I can think of just a few:

1. I’m afraid of failing, and having to face everyone. If it would be a guarantee, then it would make it easier to go through with it. Nothing in this life is a guarantee. And it seems like my luck is always running out. I would likely live through anything I tried. Mainly, because I’m a failure. I can’t do simple things right. Simple things like dying. I don’t want to face people and tell them how I feel. I don’t want their pity. I don’t want people feeling sorry for poor me. I don’t want them thining I took my life becasue of situational things going on right now. I want someone to see the YEARS of pain I’ve gone through. To know that this was truly a last resort. To know that I’ve anguised over this decision, and it wasn’t one I took lightly. That I’m sorry I let people in. Letting peolple in only means that I will end up hurting more people. And I didn’t want that. I don’t want anyone to suffer anymore because of things I did.

2. I don’t want to die alone. I want someone there with me when I die. But I don’t want that person to get in trouble for being with me when i kill myself. I also don’t want the few people that know to get in trouble because they didn’t report me.

More than anything I want this to stop. I want to die in peace, because I haven’t been able to live in peace.

I feel so numb. I need to cut. I know that most people won’t understand. Erik figures out where I cut, then I’ll get yelled at. I would have to cut somewhere that he won’t notice, inside.

I’m scared of the intensity of the emotions. I honestly don’t want to keep going.

I don’t want to go to a counselor . I don’t want the counselor trying to convince me otherwise to keep going.

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