I’ve picked the date. I’ve struggled with this for a long time. And I know I’m doing the right thing this time.
I figured out if I keep my current life insurance until June of 2012 then they will pay out for suicides. That’s $300,000 my husband could use. Alive, I am worth nothing to no one. Literally no one cares whether I’m alive. Dead, at least I can keep my husband happy. I picked our sixth anniversary for my death, as an anniversary present to him. The money from my death.
If I’m pregnant then I won’t go through with it until I’ve given birth. If I’ve already given birth, well giving my child a paid off house would be best. I can’t think of a better thing I can do with my life than to help my husband have a happier life by not having to worry with bills. And, well, heck I don’t want to live anyways.
My original suicide plan from college remains the same. Starvation. I have a way to go since I’m so fat so I need to start doing this now.
A year and a half … that’s a lot of time. I wish it were here now though. But I have to wait for my husband’s sake. If I would have known this when I worked for a company for four years, I’d be dead a long time ago. But, alas, I didn’t. And now I’m miserable for another year and a half. This is it though, the final date. I will be writing my good bye letters over the next months. I don’t know if I will be updating here much though as there honestly isn’t much to say.
I’ve thought about going back to a counselor. Most seem frustrated with me. I’m not easily “fixed”. People can’t just tell me that life will get better and I believe it. And I’m not easily comforted. I cry alone. I am alone. And thus me being alone, well, no one will miss me. I really want it this time. I’m sorry for being weak.