I’ve picked the date.  I’ve struggled with this for a long time.  And I know I’m doing the right thing this time. 

I figured out if I keep my current life insurance until June of 2012 then they will pay out for suicides.  That’s $300,000 my husband could use.  Alive, I am worth nothing to no one.  Literally no one cares whether I’m alive.  Dead, at least I can keep my husband happy.  I picked our sixth anniversary for my death, as an anniversary present to him.  The money from my death. 

If I’m pregnant then I won’t go through with it until I’ve given birth.  If I’ve already given birth, well giving my child a paid off house would be best.  I can’t think of a better thing I can do with my life than to help my husband have a happier life by not having to worry with bills.  And, well, heck I don’t want to live anyways. 

My original suicide plan from college remains the same.  Starvation.  I have a way to go since I’m so fat so I need to start doing this now. 

A year and a half … that’s a lot of time.  I wish it were here now though.  But I have to wait for my husband’s sake.  If I would have known this when I worked for a company for four years, I’d be dead a long time ago.  But, alas, I didn’t.  And now I’m miserable for another year and a half.  This is it though, the final date.  I will be writing my good bye letters over the next months.  I don’t know if I will be updating here much though as there honestly isn’t much to say. 

I’ve thought about going back to a counselor.  Most seem frustrated with me.  I’m not easily “fixed”.  People can’t just tell me that life will get better and I believe it.  And I’m not easily comforted.  I cry alone.  I am alone.  And thus me being alone, well, no one will miss me.  I really want it this time.  I’m sorry for being weak.