Made it through

I made it through my husband’s birthday, the day I had planned on killing myself. As everyone (or no one) breathes a sigh of relief, I don’t know what to do.

I’m literally tired of/from crying, but don’t have the strength to get better. No one will care if I die. No one. I’m all alone. I just want someone to hold me while I cry. I just want to matter to someone. In a twisted way I just want someone to miss me when I’m gone.

I’m distancing myself from the one close real life friend I can talk to. I don’t want to hurt the friend if I go through with it. I don’t want to be a burden anymore.

I’m supposed to do evidence for/against being unloveable for counseling. I have a ton of evidence for being unloveable but can’t think of a reason to put down for being loveable. I can’t even do a counseling assignment right.

I wish I would have the courage to go through with killing myself. I wish someone would be with me when I do it so I wasn’t so alone. I know that would be so cruel to the other person, so I will have to be alone.

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