last counseling appointment

yes, i know back in april i said no more counseling.  that didn’t last long so i started seeing the counselor again.  i like him alot.  it’s still hard to talk though.  extremely hard.  but it’s so hard to talk even if no one were in the room.  i guess i get so worked up i chicken out of saying what i want to.  i also have problems just sorting out what to say.  what’s wrong … how the heck do i know.  i just feel down … really down.  meds don’t work.  and i can’t explain the feelings enough to have the counseling work to it’s full extent.  i think i made my counselor really mad last time.  or maybe just frustrated.  i do that to all my counselors.  they all get so frustrated because they don’t know how to help me.  and meanwhile i don’t get any better.  at least i’m not as bad as i was in missouri.  then i was living day to day.  now i still want to die so badly.  but know i cant.  what would erik do about the house.  i don’t think a lot of life insurance companies cover suicide.  i feel trapped.  the only way to stop the feelings is to die and i can’t do that.  so i’m trapped here.  i’m just so confused.  everything is so overwhelming.  but there isn’t a lot going on for me to be overwhelmed.  when i quit my last job i pretty much gave up counseling.  my last appointment was he could do 7 in the morning but i wouldn’t be able to get to work on time and i couldn’t go in the afternoon because i have to work to 5.  so hopefully in the new year i will start getting some sick time that way i can take off to go to appointments.  i miss that time talking to someone.  i guess it shouldn’t matter.  nothing matters.

One thought on “last counseling appointment”

  1. Wow, do I know how you feel. Back when I was still in Jersey, my therapist of three years finally realized her dream of her own practice. The rules say she cannot take current clients with her.

    I had to start with a new therapist. Oh my god was that hard! Then of course I was moving shortly too. So I knew I was going to loose her too. Worse yet, start all over with someone else.

    I'm trying so hard to relive some of the things that got me were I am, but a new therapist is going to have to know where I come from. So what? I have to tell it all again? It's still so raw and painful, hard to deal with and accept. Now I have to pick the scab off this scab that was my heart, and SHOW it to someone else all over again?!

    I have to get a new therapist. I have to get a new psychiatrist, but the thought of doing either terrifies me. Having to start all over again?!?!? I don't know if I'm strong enough for that yet. Sure I've come far in three years alone, but start all over again, the telling of a tale so horrific sometimes I have trouble believing it was real? But the scars are there, the damage done, and the impossible, improbable things are the easiest to believe because the proof is here…

    I know how you feel. I just don't know if I'm quite as strong as you yet.

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