just a ghost

I wake up every morning dragging my butt to work.  A couple of the folks here miss so often for being sick.  If I missed every time I didn’t feel well, I would never be here.  This morning it was joint pain.  And well, the ever-present depression.  Last week it was a five day continuous stretch of migraines… and, you guess it, depression. 

People always ask me why am I depressed, I have a great husband, a great job, a normal life.  You just got to do this, this, and this, and voila you will be happy again.  Each person has their own theory on what the miracle cure is.  Each time, their way is the only way, and if I’m not doing so and so right, oh well that is the cause for how I am feeling.  It must be that I didn’t love God enough, I didn’t have enough confidence … any number of things I didn’t apply /do right, and thus making me feel this way.  And yes, it IS my fault. 

Well, I guess I can agree with them on something.  It is my fault.  It’s my fault that I didn’t have the guts when I was younger to pull the trigger.  It’s my fault that I could never call those suicide hot lines when I was younger.  It’s my fault that I’m not stronger than this.  It’s my fault I never told anyone how I felt when I was younger. 

But in a way, I think I was smarter then.  After all, how many folks understand what I’m going through now?  How many people understand the struggle just to keep from crying on any given day?  Not only understand the struggle, but care about it?  It was better not telling anyone, because at least then I could kid myself into thinking well, if so and so knew, they’d care.  It’s harder when you take the chance and find out the ugly truth that no one does.

This is one of the weeks where I wish to God I had a counseling appointment every week instead of every other week.  But that’s ok.  I’m not sure even that would help.

You know what’s pitiful?  I have no clue what it’s like to be happy.  To not have to fight the tears with everything.  I don’t even know what it’s like to be able to be myself around people.  Trust no one I guess.

I’ve left my yahoo groups depression support groups.  I’m taking a sabbatical from Twitter and am a step away from canceling Facebook.  My so called other friends don’t keep up with me.  I’m a ghost haunting an empty room.  No one to care, invisible to everyone. 

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