What do you do when you decided that dying is the only way out of the pain? How do you accept that you have to keep going? That there’s a reason for going through this? That after living with this for so long, that things WILL get better? I know by every one’s standards it’s my fault for feeling like this. My fault that I’m depressed. I’m not strong enough… I’m not a good enough Christian… I’m not a lot of things I’m supposed to be. And if I’d just be stronger, a better Christian, everything would be ok.
I have to wake up every morning and go to work. At work, most of the time I just feel like crying and sleeping. But I have to force myself to do work. I have to force myself to put on a smile. After all, I can’t be so rude as to say that I don’t want to work, or am ungrateful for the job, because I’m not. It’s just so hard to make it through the day when I have to be happy. When I have to interact with people. When I have to work so hard to hide the tears.
I’m in this alone. The sooner I realize that the easier this will be. But I still long for someone to hold me while I cry. Someone to care whether or not I live or die. Maybe that would just complicate things though. Maybe it’s easier to be alone.
And I say I’m alone, but I guess I know I’m not. So many people tell me that I’m not alone. But I still feel that way. It’s so easy for someone to tell some one else that their not alone. So why should I believe them. And how does someone feel not alone? I see no reason why people would want to care about me. I’m not cute. I’m depressed. I have nothing to bring to a relationship. Nothing.
I quit all my online depression support groups last week. I’m not joining back. I’m tempted to quit counseling.
I’m not going to kill myself… but that doesn’t mean that I want to live.