i know this shouldn’t be a big deal

i know this shouldn’t be a big deal

I wish you were never born

I remember those words clear as day.  I had done something, apparently wrong, or at least wrong in my father’s eyes.  My sister and I were in the hall way.  He was yelling at me/us.  Long before this, I had learned to block his yelling.  But I heard those words. 

By that time, I was already wanting to die.  I take that back, I was already wanting to kill myself.  Hearing my dad re-affirm my thoughts was upsetting in one way, comforting in another.  I’ve often been told that I am ambivalent.  This was no exception…

I was infuriated that my father would tell my something like that.  Parents are supposed to love their children, or so I thought.  But, maybe he was right.  Maybe I was such a horrible child that I deserved this.  After all, since parents aren’t supposed to say something like that, and my father did, I figured that meant that I really deserved it.  I really deserved to feel abandoned.  I did something so bad, and was such a horrible child over all, that I deserved to have a parent that didn’t want me. 

It was hard to make it through the following days.  By that time, I already wanted to kill myself, and I spent so much of my time just trying to tread water.  I figured he didn’t want me, that if I died, he wouldn’t care.  Who else would?  My mom?  She was strong, she could get through it.  So was the rest of my family.   

That wasn’t the first time it was uttered from his mouth, and it wasn’t the last time either.  As the years wore on, it got easier to accept this re-affirmation of how lonely, and completely depressed I was feeling. 

The words still haunt me today.  I can hear them repeated over and over again in my head.  It’s hard to cope, to keep pushing on, when I can hear my dad’s voice say he wished I were never born.  I know he likely said them out of anger, but that made no difference then, nor makes any difference now.

Leave a Reply