I can’t do this

So another weekend where I feel that I did nothing. Weekends like these tend to pile up the never-ending stockpile of work. I wonder sometimes how folks with kids do it. Heck, I can’t even take care of myself how the crap am I going to take care of another human being that relies on me?

The depression is still bad. I know people don’t get it. Why I can’t just be normal like everyone else. Why I can’t just be happy. I often wonder what the point of living is. Why I go on day after day. Maybe for my husband. Maybe for my dog. I don’t care anymore. I just do. It just seems easier to live, then to have to go through a change like dying. Wow I know that’s such an incredibly shallow thought.

The thoughts are still there. I still battle them daily. I still wonder could hell be worse (I know God won’t want me). Worse than feeling completely alone and desperate. But I still trudge along, wondering when the pain is going to stop. Wondering if I even want the pain to stop. I know, a weird thought. Most people are probably thinking I’m really crazy now (well, if you weren’t already thinking it). Don’t ask me to explain it; I can’t. Even if I could, I wouldn’t.

I’m still going to counseling every two weeks. A lot of times I wish it could be more. I have to take off work though. I don’t want the boss getting mad at me. Maybe if I changed jobs to one that my boss would let me leave at 4, like my last one did, I could go back to every week. I know I need more help. More help then I can get right now. As I said before, though, I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of fighting. I just want everything to stop. At this point, I don’t care how.

I know people have stopped reading my blog. Not like I can blame them. Who wants to hear some loser complain about how rough life is, even though she has it so good? Very good, no one. I’m in this alone. I knew that a long time ago. I just thought that maybe one of those anti-depressants would help me. Apparently none did. So the only conclusion left is this is my fault. And I deserve to be alone.

4 thoughts on “I can’t do this”

  1. Hello, its me again, I wrote on your other blog yesterday, and saw your message transferring me to this one.
    You keep writing, and getting it out. We're hearing you.
    One thing I have wondered over my years of depression, was how helpful therapy actually is.
    There is a time for it, and I absolutely believe that. I am thankful for the counsel I have received.
    But also there was a time when I stopped. Because the constant deeper and deeper digging became unhelpful and unhealthy.
    There was a time when I had to accept that I was depressed and stop analysing it. I began to just try to accept it then. And everyday, as I am in a bout again right now.
    I sit there and sometimes it take me a few short hours, and sometimes it takes me the whole day. But I get to a point when I say… I accept that I have these feelings and thats it. I accept myself anyway.
    I want you to know you too are totally acceptable this way. You do not deserve it. It just is. And there are reasons. But sometime knowing all the reasons in the world doesn't change the feelings.
    Bless you

  2. Oh sweetheart, you are *not* alone, you're not crazy, and you're not a loser. I care, and I know others do, too. I wish you could go to counseling every week. Did you get that medicine snafu figured out?

    I'm praying for you. E-mail me anytime you want.

    Hugs, Michelle

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