I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I feel. I know that I’m struggling. I know that I still want to die. I know that I can’t go through with it yet. I care too much for the unborn baby. So I have to go on.
I’m scared to be alone during maternity leave. I’m scared that I’ll go through with it. But I also don’t want to be suffocated by having people around.
I was driving back from Colorado yesterday. W was in the backseat while I was driving in the front. He wanted me in the backseat. He kept telling me that he needed me. No one seems to need me. So I nearly cried when I heard him. E gets mad at how attached he is to me.
It’s hard. Does W know why he “needs” me. If I die, will he miss me? Will I really hurt him? Won’t he be better off without me? Won’t everyone be better off without me?
Erik wants me to quit counseling to “save money”. Maybe I should. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to be held accountable for the feelings or what I’ll do. There’s a part of me that wants to walk the rest of this path on my own and not tell anyone.
There’s also a part of me that wants to tell my counselor how bad I’m doing and hope she has something that will change my mind. I want to talk through the feelings with someone, but honestly, I don’t know what the feelings are. I don’t know how to vocalize the feelings. This counselor understands me fairly well. I know if I bring up the subject she will realize how much pain I’m in. In a way, that makes it harder. Knowing that she knows without me having to say it, makes me scared to talk about it.
I honestly just want to be held by someone. To be told that I’m loved. To be told that I matter. To be allowed to cry with no questions asked.