So it’s another one of those days when I’m left wondering what’s the point. I do the best I can. It seems that best is never good enough. I have a counseling appointment on Wednesday of this week. I am pretty afraid of it. I know I’m way down, even for me. I’m having a hard time at work, at home, just not crying. I put a fair amount of energy just getting through the day half way sane. I don’t know what the problem is, why all of a sudden I’m struggling again. Maybe I’ve always been, but just not had the insight to know until I sit down and think about how much I’m spinning my wheels just to stay afloat. I have no idea what to tell my counselor this week. Yes, I want to die. No I don’t have anyone to talk to about the feelings in between counseling sessions, at least face to face. Sometimes I think being lonely is the best though. Trying to explain the intense emotions to someone else usually winds up with me being told to snap out of it, or that I’m smart enough to control my emotions, or some other crap that is supposed to make me feel better, that only makes me feel worse.
Work isn’t helping either. I changed jobs just over a year ago because I thought this type of work would make me happier. It hasn’t, and I’m bored with it. I’m ready to go back to construction inspections. At least then I was having to talk to and be around people a lot. While I didn’t feel like it alot, at least I had to pretend in front of them. It’s harder when I’m in my office and don’t really see anyone all day long. I’m more apt to know that I can cry and get away with it, and so I do. Which means my emotions are all over the place during the work week, and I just want to go home and go to sleep. It was never this bad at my last job. I don’t know if it is because of the structure I had there, or whether I just really hate this type of work that much. Either way, I’m struggling here.
We at least got some work done this weekend. We planted a redbud tree, an apple tree, some blueberry and blackberry bushes and some mums. We still need to plant two butterfly bushes, but we ran out of top soil. We were tired on Sunday. Didn’t make it to church either, which is a whole other blog post. I mostly enjoy my time home with my husband. The depression isn’t as hard to fight. I wouldn’t go out on a limb and say it’s easy, but it’s more manageable, well until I stay up later than him, then I’m back to having problems again.