Have you ever though about dying? Like what it’s like to go through the process of actually dying and then crossing over. Is there a God, and how will I be judged? I’ve always maintained that I don’t know that but that I just got to live my life the best I can.
There are several things that I want to do before dying though. I want to lose weight. So I’ve decided to go on a diet aggressively to try to lose weight so I don’t be fat when I die. I know a stupid concern but still one that concerns me. I only have less than a year to live. Well I only want to live less than a year but don’t know if that is going to be possible.
I also want to read the Bible. And I know a lot of you think that maybe by doing that I will realize the “mistake” of my ways and decide not to go through with it. But I want this to happen. I want to die; the pain is too much to go on.
I would like to give my husband a baby. A child of his very own. That means I need to do it soon if I’m going to meet the deadline I set.
I want this to happen. I’m sure not many people will understand. I’m not asking for that. I’m asking for acceptance. I’m asking that people accept me for who I am. And that the depression is part of who I am. Sometimes the pain is hard. Ok most of the time the pain is hard. A lot of times I don’t really feel like going on to the next day, much less until the date I’ve set.
I am still considering going to a priest to talk or maybe a counselor. I want to talk to a priest because at least then I won’t be hospitalized. I can talk openly with a priest without fear of being hospitalized. I can’t necessarily do that with a counselor.
I can’t say that I’m not scared. I’m scared as hell. I can say though, that I am at peace. The inner pain is real and confusing and intense. I don’t think I have anyone I can really tell. I’m scared that someone will tell. And I want this to happen so much. Pretty soon I will start writing my good bye letters.