I spend a majority of the time putting on that smile so people won’t know, for a variety of reasons… I don’t want to explain the feelings. Most people wouldn’t understand them. Hell, most of the time I don’t understand them. Most of the time it takes me a while to process them through to figure out how I feel. So it takes someone who knows me better than myself to help me through it. And since I don’t let many people in, then those people are few and far between. And honestly the people who are close to me, I don’t want to hurt them with my pain. But I don’t want to get through it by myself. Actually that’s more of a need than want. I don’t think I actually can get through it by myself.
I talked to one of those friends this week about things going on. Afterwards, I thanked him. He told me it wasn’t a favor to talk to me. That’s a new concept to me. I think of myself as a burden. As a friend that is hard to put up with. I don’t understand why anyone would want to be friends with me. To talk me through the rough times, again and again and again… and not have a different outcome. I don’t get better.