Good byes

If you found out you were going to die, who would you say good bye to? What would you say? Would you say good bye? Or do you think that letter would just be further torture to them? Would you do a video, a handwritten letter, a typed letter, or maybe just a voice recording?

The oldest is old enough to have memories of me. The youngest won’t be able to remember me. They will both have to work through their feelings over losing me at some point perhaps. However, if I stay alive, will they have more to endure because I’m alive? I believe they would; that I am doing them a favor by not being in their life. E would agree, I’m sure.

I need to make some decisions on what I’m going to do. I’m hoping I can go to church this weekend and come to some conclusion. Hell at this point, I want to flip a coin and just be done with it. I’ll do whatever the coin toss says. I don’t know whether I will go for my birthday or E’s birthday. It would help to see the kids open up presents at Christmas time. But then again, if I’m going to die a couple weeks later, does it matter?  With my birthday I won’t have to go through all the holiday hustle and arguing and E having an attitude. I can just be done. And quickly.

This week someone close to me said that the reason I am in individual counseling was to manipulate what goes on in couple’s therapy. That wasn’t the intention. The intention was to keep myself alive, and to satisfy a friend who wanted me to go. It wasn’t to be manipulative. It wasn’t to point the couple’s therapy in my favor. But if this person thinks that, then E will too. I quit individual therapy, actually ͞paused͟ it. The relationship is more important than quietening the storm inside me. I doubt I will ever get better anyway, so I’d rather focus on something that has a bit of a chance. If I get to the point where couples is going ok, and I feel like I can go to individual therapy without risking our marriage, I’ll consider going back. So this week, I’ve lost two of my real life allies.

It hurts getting close to people. I have to trust quite a bit, and it is way outside the norm for me. Typically when I trust, I get hurt. This case was no different. I wish I never would have trusted. I wish that I wouldn’t have been texting someone that day at the creek, having them tell me to stay alive. I wish I wouldn’t have second guessed myself. I wish I would have had the courage to go through with it. I wish I had the courage to go through with it now. I’m not getting close to anyone else.

There are days when I wish someone would just hold me while I cry. This is one of them.

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