Feelings

In counseling, we were supposed to relate a conflict and tell how that made us feel. E was then to validate my feelings. E argued with the feelings that I had. He didn’t understand how I was feeling the way I said I was. Honestly, I felt much worse then what I said I was. And he thought what I said was too dramatic. This is something I struggle with. Actually several things.

I struggle with putting a name to my feelings. Heck, I have a hard time untangling what I’m feeling to make sense of the feelings. it’s like everything is so intertwined. I can’t unravel the feelings to put a name on. The feelings are just there.

How do I explain that feeling? I have no idea. I just know living with it is hard. Putting words to those feelings are hard. Explaining them to another person who hasn’t been where I am before is hard. At least someone who has been through what I have will understand the frustration in figuring out what I’m feeling. Will have patience that I may not always have that answer right away. And that after talking about it for a while, I might change my mind on what I’m feeling… or more precisely, change the word for what I’m feeling.

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I struggle with telling people how badly I feel. I told someone a while ago how badly I was feeling. Her answer was basically I don’t come across that way. I seem “put together” and happy. That’s because I use all of my energy being happy for everyone. So next time you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll likely tell you I’m ok. I promise you I’m not.

And I don’t feel this way just to get attention. Hell, who would I get attention from? Do you really think that I want to bother people with my problems? Do you really think that I want people to know how weak I truly am? How I’m holding on by threads? That I can’t even be happy right? I don’t want attention for this. Attention would mean I would have to talk about it all the time. I don’t necessarily want to have to answer the how are you questions. I don’t want to have to be constantly fighting the tears.

At the same time I do want a circle of real life, non internet friends I can talk to. Someone who will physically hold me while I cry. Who will tell me things will be ok. Who will include me in the fun, even if they know my answer will be no. Who will keep asking and prodding until the answer is yes. And once the answer is yes, accept me for who I am, and make me feel comfortable. I have that relationship with one friend. Someone who is there for me. Someone who won’t judge.

If I’m sad around someone it’s not because they make me unhappy… quite the opposite. It’s that I trust them so much that I know that they will accept me whether I’m happy or sad. That I will be truly welcome. That I don’t have to spend all my energy being happy. That I can take my mask off.

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