Decisions

Fall break time means spending some time on vacation this year. This year we made our Colorado trip since we didn’t do it this summer.

It’s snowy up in the mountains. I was hoping for more snow than what we got but I guess something is better than nothing. Even without the snow, the mountains are peaceful and inviting. They give me a setting that is easier to think through big issues.

I had a friend way back in college that told me that I needed to make a decision and stick with it. We were putting together a puzzle together. It was another rough night and she was there for me. She told me that I had struggled with wanting to kill myself for long enough. I needed to make a decision and see it through. If I wanted to stay alive, put all my energy into it. If I wanted to kill myself, go ahead. But that I needed to stop living in limbo. Stop torturing myself with the decision. At the time I thought it was mean. Of course she was supposed to tell me to live. But looking back I understand now.

Recently a friend told me something similar. I’m having a hard time with this decision, especially with some of the things he has talked me through that make me doubt things. This time the advice was appreciated and understood.

At the end of the day, they are right. I need to make a decision and do my best to follow through.

At this point, I’m still leaning towards going through with it, except with a date change. Typically the date has always been on my birthday. Now I’m thinking E’s birthday. It would be my birthday gift to him. A me free world for him. Insurance money. And I would get one last holiday season with the kids.

I know no one can make this decision for me. But I’m conflicted. I need closure. I can’t keep this up. And don’t know what to do.

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