Decisions…

The last couple of days I’ve felt better, partly because I’ve made decisions of what comes next. While I’m sure folks won’t understand how a conclusion such as this can come with happiness, it does. I’ve made a decision; the turmoil is over. No more waffling, no more what should I do… I know what comes next. There’s a definite light at the end of the tunnel. Within a couple of months, the pain will be over.

I know people are going to ask why. And over the next couple of months, I’m going to go into as much detail as I can as to why. Some of them will be posted before I go through with it. Some of them will be posted at the end.

Big picture I know how and when. I just have to plan out the details, and then have the courage to go through this alone. That’s the one thing that I will miss with this. I have to die alone. I wish more than anything that someone could be there holding my hand as I pass, but I’ll die as I have lived… alone.

I won’t lie. I’m scared to go through this. I’m scared to live though too. The fear from dying is momentary, and finite. After I die, the fear is gone. The fear of living is every minute of every day, infinite. The only way to stop the fear of living, well, is to die.

I know most of you won’t understand. I know most of you won’t agree. But I promise you, this is for the best for me. I haven’t made this decision lightly. I’m not crazy. No, I don’t need a counselor to convince me differently. No, I don’t need to be hospitalized because my decision is different from what you think my decision should be. No one else has to live my life; no one else knows what pain I have to endure.

My plan has always been to kill myself on my birthday. This time is different, it will be E’s birthday present for me to kill myself. This allows everyone to enjoy holidays without having to do all the stuff that comes with someone dying, all the paperwork, etc. Plus it will be my gift to E to die. I remember asking him one time if he would be sad if I died. Nope, he wouldn’t. Life would go on fine without me. I’m going to test that. And give him the ultimate gift for his birthday.

I’m having a hard time fighting the urge to self injure. I want so badly to cut. No one understands that either. i deserve the pain. I deserve to die.

While I’m happy that I made the decision, that the turmoil inside over what to do is over… I’m hurting badly. I just want someone to hold me while I cry. But no one will. The pain of having to relive the past in enough detail for people to understand why I’m going through this will be agonizing. But it’s something that has to be done.

Even though next weekend won’t be the time that I will go through with it, it will still be hard. My birth has brought everyone pain. And I’m going to have to live through it … again.

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