I’ve spent the majority of the night crying. I want to die right now, but I have a life inside me. As soon as that life is out, I can go through with it. For now, I would be committing an abortion and suicide. I can’t live with taking an innocent life with my own. So I have to wait. I’ve been fighting this for 28 years. I’m tired. I’m done. I’m ready. I have nothing to live for. People would be better off without me.
They could take my life insurance money and pay off the house and buy a new car. They could have so much without me. I owe it to the kids to go through with this. Their life would be so much better without me. People disagree but they don’t see the real me. They don’t know how much of a monster I am. How horrible of a person I am inside.
The world would be better off without me. That was evident today.
I won’t forget how alone and how horrible I feel right now. I won’t forget how much I want to die. I won’t forget. This time I’ll have courage. I hurt too much not to.
I wish someone could hold me right now while I cry. I wish someone would love me. I wish I wasn’t alone. Maybe any one of those would make a difference. But they haven’t and won’t.
This feeling won’t go away. And explaining this to someone else would make no sense to them.
I’m scared. I’m alone.