“How are you today”
What came out of my mouth wasn’t what I wanted to say.
Translation: I’m not ok. I need help.
Why is that so hard for me to say? Why am I ashamed to say that I’m struggling? Why am I ashamed to tell the one person that I know cares, one of the few people I trust? Why is the question so anxiety producing for me? Why the heck can’t I tell my counselor how much I’m hurting?
if your friend asked you how you were doing, what would you say? Would you tell them the fun stuff or would you tell them the pain you are feeling?
If I had said how I felt I didn’t know how to explain it. I had no idea where to go. Where to start. How to convey the intensity. How to convey the emptiness. How to convey the hopelessness. I still don’t.
it’s been almost two years since I sat at the creek wanting to kill myself. I still regret not going through with it. I regret living. Given everything going on this past few months I don’t know how I’m going to get past the anniversary this year. I don’t know how I’m going to process everything.
Don’t worry. I won’t kill myself. But I do want to die. I’m trapped. I can’t leave my husband with three small kids.
Here’s an analogy for you. Most people consider depression like a tunnel and you are searching for the light at the end of it. My tunnel is a big circle, with no hopes of having a light.