Confused

I came here to make a decision on what comes next. To live or die. I haven’t. I’m only more confused about everything. I’ve wanted to die for so long. The pain is hard. The struggle is hard. And we are leaving tomorrow and I’m no closer to answer.

I looked at W’s face and saw him smile and questioned everything. I wouldn’t be able to see him smile again. S would have to go through the pain of losing me. W won’t remember me, but S would.

But the pain is significant. I’m scared and don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know why I should go on. And then I see his smile and hear his laugh and I realize how confused I am.

Things aren’t going to get better. I know that. I know that I am going to have to deal with the pain and battle the thoughts for the rest of my life. I have absolutely no hope that I will feel other’s normal… only mine, and that is painful.

I see other people smile and wonder why I can’t be that way. Why my smiles are typically forced, because they are expected. Or because smiles get less questions. And I don’t have to answer that question of how I’m doing today. Why, yes, I’m peachy. But I’m not. I’m far from it. Every moment is hard to get through. And I don’t know how to tell people that. Most folks wouldn’t know how to respond to it anyway. So I save both of us the awkwardness of the truth. And say that I’m fine.

A friend told me that he would feel sorry for my kids if I went through with it. To me, my kids would benefit by not having me around. What do I provide them? What do I provide anyone? Nothing.

There are so many doubts, both ways. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who I can talk to. But I need to make this decision and move on. It is tearing me up inside, and has been for quite a while.

I’m not near as strong as people think I am. But I have to be strong enough to do what’s best for everyone else. I just have to figure what that is out.

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