The last couple of days in Colorado were great, likey because E was sick for part of it and slept alot. Today he was up and in a grumpy mood. Everything I said or did was wrong. I was happy when he was sleeping because then I could be myself without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells with him.
I had previously decided that I was undecided on living. In fact I think I was even leaning towards staying alive.
But then today happened. And it wasn’t particularly rough, at least comparatively. I’m not sure why he upset me so much. Maybe because I was already in a reflective mood, trying to figure out what to do. And he just typed the scale back in favor of dying.
I basically either need to leave Erik or die. Either way the kids lose one parent. At least with me dying, they get money out of the deal. E could pay off the house. Everyone is happy. They don’t have to be around someone like me.
I’m not sure what to do. It’s a permanent decision. I’m scared and feel all alone.